Michelle’s blog

Gosh.....it just all seems like a dream.  Really.  I can't believe it's all working out the way it is.  My anger subsides, then it rears it's ugly head and returns.  But now, I am just sad.  Sad that I am realizing you and me, not meant to be.  And that's ok.  It's clear from our conversation last night, that you have no plans whatsoever to leave her.  For any reason.  You in fact said, if she leaves me.....which means, you will never leave her.  And that makes me sad.

But I've got to get past this, over you again.  It doesn't really matter how I feel.  You will never leave her.  There will never be a you and me.  And if I don't get past this, it's gonna ruin my life.  I don't know how to do this.  Again.  All I know is that this is the last time.  I didn't completely close the door last night.  Because I don't think I need to.  I told you that I would never call you again.  That I was deleting your number out of my phone.  You started to cry.  And said no.  Well, I'm sorry.  But you can't have it both ways.  You can't tell me that you love me that talking to you makes you happy that you miss me.  And then ask me to put something on your facebook that tells your wife I am leaving you alone.  When really, I'm not.

I can't do this anymore and you are a selfish bastard for making me even think anything was possible.  When you knew deep down, that it would never happen.  I can't make you happy, on the phone, and know that you are going home to a wife you claim you don't love.  I don't get it.

I never knew you were this fucked......are you seriously gonna throw me out like garbage?  Are you seriously gonna throw away the possibility that you and me, could be happy.  Yep.  Guess you are.  And I am not going to even try and change it.  I don't want to steal anyone.  You come to me because you want to.  If you don't want to, then stay away.

Don't tell me that I can't cry....when you can't hold me.  Rip my heart out you self centered egotistical selfish lying cheating bastard.  I will eventually hate you.  I will will myself to.  You will never hear from me again.

Gosh...I am such a fool.

I am sitting here torturing myself,, again today, and I don't know why.  Maybe I just have to wallow, submerge myself as deeply as I can, in order to climb back out.  With my soul in tact.

But I feel broken.  Used.  Forgotten and my soul is aching so bad.  It's never ever hurt this bad.  Not by you or anyone.  Even when Clark cheated, not this bad.  Not sure why either.  Maybe I thought that this time was really it?  Maybe hearing you say what you said did in fact feed my soul.  Maybe I realize that possibly what you said wasn't true and you were just trying to find a way out of your mess.  But I am hurting.

I want to run to you.  Now.  I want to jump on a plane and find you.  And whisper in your ear that you are making a terrible mistake.  I want to yell at you.  I want to jump in your arms and have you never let me go.  I want you to hold me.  And tell me in person that I am the one.  But you know that you are making a mistake.  You know that you need me, and that I need you.  You know that I am hurting.  You know.  You can feel it, just like you always have.

I was reading my diary with Mary the other day.  And what I had written, made me cry.  I wrote that I wanted to marry you.  I wrote that even when I was moving to CA that I loved you, always would, and that someday I would find you again and we would marry.  Why did you do that to me back on July 19, 1987.  Why did you call me and tell me you didn't love me?  Mary said she knew you were lying then.

You know that I am the one that can make you happy.  The one who makes you smile, fills your heart with joy.  Makes your soul happy.  You know that I am the one who wants to, and can, give you the world.  You know that I am the one you need.  You know that you could have a great, wonderful, fullfilling, fun, happy life with me.  You know that it's me.  And I know that it's you.  You know that you are making a huge mistake.  Again.  And I think this is why it hurts so bad this time.  Why I feel like a crumpled mess who just wants to sit in the closet until it's all over.  Because I know that we are meant to be together.

I look at our pictures.  I remember your words.  I remember so much.  I listen to our songs.  I sit here and cry all day.  I cry in the car.  I cry when I should be working.  I cry watching TV.  I cry at the grocery store.  I cry when I see any sign.  I cry when our songs come randomly on the radio.  I cry all the time.  And I don't know how to make it stop.  You aren't coming for me this time.  I need to accept it.  I need to pull myself up and out.  I need to stop imagining going to you.  I need to stop dreaming about our future.  It's not happening.  I need to stop wanting to hurt you.  Wanting to make you cry.

But I know that you are thinking about me.  Because you let me know.  In little ways, that you are.  You just like me, love letting the other know.....I am avoiding you now.  Because I can't.  And I really want you to stop.  I don't want to know that you are thinking of me.  It doesn't matter if you are or not.  You don't have your ring tone on my phone anymore.  And that Dave song you ruined for me.  You and me together, we can do anything.  But....it's not gonna happen now.  Maybe not ever.  I don't know.  But I do know that once I call you 1 final time, and tell you how much you've hurt me, I will tell you that we will not be talking on the phone anymore.  There is no reason.  We can remain on the computer.  But no emails.  No more signs.  No more hidden messages.  No more.  Once I make that final call to you, I am deleting your number from my phone.  I can't keep on like this.  I was fine before you started this all up again. 

I didn't need to know that you still loved me.  I didn't need to know that you think of me every day.  I didn't need to know that you remember the way my hair smells.  I didn't need to know that you married the wrong one.  I didn't need to know so many other things.  Now I do.  And I don't know what to do with them.  They don't fit in a box anymore.  They don't belong in my hope chest anymore, or in the little envelope with your pictures.  I don't need to know that you think you belong with me.  I don't need to know.....I don't need to look at your pictures.  Of you and me holding hands and smiling for the camera.  The one of you and me....kissing.  I can't look at them anymore.  They need to go back in their hiding place, where they've been for like....10 years.

The last time I saw you was on September 6, 1987.  I left you standing in Brians front yard.  Crying.  I was crying.  Mary was crying.  You had tricked me in to seeing you and I left you standing there.  Crying.  Mary begging me to go to you.  Me, begging Mary to drive away.......I left you standing there.  You had broken my heart though.  Told me you didn't love me.  That you had never loved me.  That you thought of me as a friend only.  Timing is everything, since you told me 2 days before I came to CA for my trip.  If you had only waited until I got back......what would have happened?  You were so cruel in that phone call. 

We maybe weren't meant to be. I don't know.  All I know is that I need you....just like I always did.  But.....my need remains unfullfilled, and probably will be....forever.  The dream of dancing with you....to our song.  Not gonna happen.  The dream of living this life with you.  Not gonna happen.

I am in the only spot I know how to be in right now........down.  Sad.  Heartbroken.  I will get better though.....I know it.

I am staying away from you, first of all because really.  What is the point in talking?  Communicating at all?  But mostly because I am so angry that I want to hurt you.  Verbally of course.  But I want you to feel just as bad, if not worse as I do.  I want you to feel like your soul (remember the one that you said you wanted to fill up) has been punched and all of the happiness has gone out of it (remember how you asked me if my soul was happy the day after we had our 6 hour conversation?).  Yes.  I want you to feel as shitty and silly and stupid and used as I do.  I can't keep this up.  The crying has got to stop eventually.

But then I just get mad.  Mad at myself, mad at you, mad at your wife.  And I can't keep carrying this around.  It's not fair.  When will I stop feeling this way?  Please.  Make it now.  I didn't even want this.  I was good.  I had accepted our fate and moved on.  And then you had to come in to my playground and kick down my cellar door with all your senseless bullshit lies.

You love me.  No you don't.

You need me.  If you did, you would be with me.

You miss me.  How can you miss me?  You haven't seen me in 20 years.

You should've married me.  Yes.  Now that one is true.

You made a mistake.  Well, I guess if the above is true, this statement is true too.

You want to wake up beside me for the rest of your life.  Another lie.  If that was true, you wouldn't be staying with someone you told me that her kisses taste like acid in your mouth.

You want to make me happy.  This just makes me laugh.

Lies.  All of it.  Lies.  To make yourself feel better.

Well, what about me.............

Oh, I'm angry.  So angry that I often just sit and stare off into space, wondering how I got here...again.  Not angry enoguh that it's affecting me.  But angry still.  Angrier every single time I think about how I let you do this to me.  That I gave you control of the game, hoping that this time would be different.  Turns out, not so much.  You are a selfish bastard who unloaded on me over and over again.  Told me lies, filled my head, spoke the words you know I so desperately need to hear.  You played me like a fiddle.  Again.  Not surprised that you can do that.  Since this is the 3rd time.  And I have decided, final time.

I can't ever do this again.  I can't put my heart out there on the line, let you in to my soul, share with you, dream with you...plan with you.  All to hear you say those words...again.  I choose her.  That's fine.  In my heart I know that any man who chooses someone else over me, isn't the one I'm supposed to be with.  And that's okay.  I can accept that.  But why did you do it?  Did you do it because you were looking for a way out?  Where you needing to unload all of your emotional baggage shit on someone and you chose me?  Did you honestly in your very heart of hearts mean what you said to me?

No.  I don't believe you did.  I think you wanted it to be that way, but reality has a nasty way of showing back up.

And it turns out, you don't love me.  You can't love me.  Someone who loves someone wouldn't put that other person through this, 3 times.  You would have spared me.  This time.  If you really did love me, you would have said...I love you, I've always loved you, I will always love you.  But I am married and I am going to honor my committment to my wife.  And you would've left it at that.  I would have been fine with that.  I can accept that.  I can live with that.  Knowing in my heart that you will always love me.  But you had to take it further.  As we sat there on the computer and you typed those words.  I married the wrong one.  I felt my heart start to beat out of my chest.  And when you told me on the phone, that I was the one.  You loved me.  I was silent.  You couldn't hear me crying.  You couldn't hear that I had sank to the floor because my legs didn't work anymore.

And when I think about everything you said to me, it just pisses me off.  Oh, I let you all right.  BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU MEANT IT.  Oh I am a fool.  You started this.  You told me first.  And second, and third.  And you planned our future.  You told me over and over that I was your one, your girl.  The one you should've married.  And thinking about all that now, why....why did you have to do that?

You were the one who brought up our past.  Brought up the day we met, the first time we kissed.  The days and nights spent in that nasty hotel in NC.  YOU were the one who brought up making out in Brians car, YOU were the one who brought up OUR songs.  You were the one who said you remembered holding me to keep me warm and how you used to tell me that you were so warm because you were from FL so you had lots of natural sunshine.  YOU were the one who brought up how you remembered how I smelt, how I felt.  How you used to run your fingers through my hair.  And so much more. 

It's killing me to type this.  But see, the sooner I just get it out, the sooner I can leave you behind.  In the hope chest where you should stay, with my high school diary, the calendar, your pictures....your jacket.  And never taken out again.....

Dear Trish,

Well...looks like you won.  Again.  I am left shattered and broken hearted, my soul lying there on the sidewalk in a sobbing heap of mass.  And you, victorious again.  I gotta congratulate you.  I don't know how you stay with a man, that you know doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you.  How you want to stay with a man, who TELLS you he married the wrong one, and that he wants to marry me.  I don't get it.  I would not want to stay with a man who had no sexual attraction to me, and told me to my face he loves someone else.  And you know, that someone else is me.

I know you've been stalking me.  Not sure how you found out so much about me, guess you are just sneaky like that.  Sizing up the "competition", figuring out what you are up against.  You stalk me on myspace.  And I'm sure you are stalking me here.  Well....read on sweetie.  Read on.

First.  I am not a husband stealer.  I never, ever intended to swoop in and steal your husband.  YOUR husband called ME.  YOUR husband told ME he loved me, while I sat silent on the other end.  I TOLD your husband, I didn't want him to leave you....for me.  But when he tells me how much he dislikes you and he's crying, telling me he made a mistake and that he should've chosen me, it does make me feel again.  But let's get this straight.  I did not want to, nor did I, steal your husband.

But whatever manipulative game you play, to get him to stay with you, after he's filed for divorce 2 other times, you are a master.  I don't know why you would want to have to manipulate a man into staying with you....are you that weak, is your self esteem that low, that you have to force a man to stay with you?  Because you know he wants to be with me.  Yet you still want him.

You said on my voicemail that what comes around goes around and you hope that I get whats coming to me.  Well, I've done nothing wrong, that I feel as though karma is gonna bite me in the ass.  But I will tell you this.  I think you should pay attention to your own words and your own warning.  See.  YOU stole him from ME 14 years ago, and you know it.  Thats why you are so afraid now.  Because you know.  14 years ago, you stole my letters written to him, my pictures and in return, wrote me telling me that he didn't love me, he loved you and for me to stay away.  You lied, stole and tricked the both of us.  We find out now.  You knew that he wanted me, and that if he saw me, like planned, you would lose him.  So you manipulated him by lying and stealing and threatening and you got him.  He was mine first.  He belonged to me first.  He loved me first.  And you knew it then, you know it now.  And you can't help but wonder....when I will win, and take him back.  What goes around, does come around.  And you will get yours.  I might not be around to see it, but karma will get you.

So now that you've tricked him again and he has broken my heart again, you can have him.  He's broken my heart 3 times in this lifetime and to be honest, I am done.  I don't want a man that can so easily break my heart.  I don't want a man that is so weak he can't stand up for himself.  I don't want a man that allows his wife to abuse him, and still choses her.  And that's what it comes down to.  You know I could make your husband happy.  You know he wants to be with me.  But he still chooses you.  And for this reason, I am done.  You do not have to worry about me coming into your life, or the picture again.  He's had his chances.  And I am through.  I will find a man, my one, my soulmate.  And he will choose me.

You and Craig, try and make each other happy.  You haven't won though.  If I weren't emotionally done, I would call and create trouble.  I know that eventually, he would come to me.  But I don't want him like that.  So please, make him happy.  Let him make you happy.  Love to laugh with him, and hold him when he cries.  And make him do the same for you.  Find the good in the man you've got, and show him the good in you.  Go to church with him, like he has begged you to do.  And stop berrating him and emasculating him.  Please.  You both, deserve to be happy.

And so do I.  And trust me, it's not with your husband.

Take care,

Michelle

He will want me to be happy.  And secure.  And solid.  And taken care of.  And loved.  And cherished.  And he will want to make me feel this way.  He will support me and believe in me and guide me and be my cheerleader.  Even when it's not comfortable for him.  He will want to explore the world with me and watch my eyes dance with excitment at his suprises.  He will want to make me smile and dance and sing and dream.  With him and for him and because of him.  He will think I am beautiful and wonderful and funny and smart and adorable.  He will want to be with me always.  He will write me words of love.

He will cry if he hurts me and beg for my forgiveness.  He will hold me when I am sad and wipe away my tears.  And allow no one to hurt me.  He will long to see my smile if it fades.  He will not think of me as needy or hard to please but love me so much he wants to please me.  He wants to be enough.  He will want to grow.  On his own, and with me.

He will want to keep me.  And do whatever it takes.  He will need to be near me.  He will make me miss him when he is away.  He will let me know he is thinking of me. 

He will be strong and smart and loyal.  Compassionate, passionate, loving, patient and kind.  He will be my rock, my port, my safe haven and my joy.  He will hold my hand and show public displays of affection.  He will lick my lips and run his fingers through my hair.  He will stare into my eyes often....

I am tired of being disappointed, hurt, crushed, unloved, unappreciated, let down.....

I deserve these things.  I deserve to be loved and cherished.  I am happy and will wait patiently.  I will better myself during this time.  I know I can take care of myself.  I know I am pretty.  I know I am a catch.  I know I deserve more.

I wrote this after a particularly nasty fight with Clark.   It was written about a year ago, and I think I did it to remind myself of what I need in a partner, and what I don't have.  So that I can remind myself.......

I don't know if what I am looking for in a partner is even realistic.......anymore.

Well, here we are again.  You taking my breath away, leaving me speechless.

Oh, this is like no other.  Like nothing I've ever felt.  It can't be, happening to me.

You tell me you love me.  You've always loved me.  Will love me forever.

What do I do with this?

My mind is boggled.  Please, say it again.  And again.

The sound of your voice, sweet in my ear.  Oh.....I didn't think this would ever happen again.

You said.

You said.......

You said........

It's like we never lost touch.  Like it hasn't been 22 years since I've seen him.  My desire to run away is so strong right now, that I almost can't stand it.  I have not left the house today, even though I have errands to run and things to do.  But I worry that I will just drive, and not come home. 

We talked....and talked....and laughed....and joked....and talked......

What am I doing?

He asked if I was happy.....I didn't know quite what to say.  What is he looking for?  What does he want to happen?  He's a boy, and boys are stupid when it comes to this kind of stuff.  And, it very simply could be that he doesn't want anything to happen.  That is possible.

But why does he tell me how much he misses me.  Misses talking to me.  Likes to look at my pics.  Is so glad to have found me again.  That he married the wrong one.

And, he could just be saying that.  I married the wrong one.  Plain and simple.  No implied meaning, nothing hidden or secret.  I am probably making way more out of this than needs to be.

But he was my boyfriend.  He was my lover.  He was the love of my life.  He told me he loved me.  We used to go to the movies together, and hang out.  And.....he used to tell me that all he needed for his survival was a moose, a camel and me.  He used to hold my hand and stare into my eyes....he used to sing to me.  That song by Restless Heart.....that song by Chicago, that other song by Chicago......he used to run his fingers through my hair.  He used to lift my hair and kiss the back of my neck...sending shivers through my whole body.  We used to just lay in bed...at the Dreamland Motel.....and talk.  Plan out our futures.  He would hold me closer when I was cold.....he was the first boy I took a shower with. 

What am I doing?  I look at old pics of us.....and he is always touching me.  In every pic.  What am I going to do?  I don't know what to do.  Would I leave Clark to be with him?  If he called me and told me that he had left his wife and wanted to be with me.....would I go to him?

I have always always always thought that I would see him again, in this lifetime, in some capacity.  Maybe not in a relationship, but I've always sensed that I would see him again.  And I've never, ever stopped loving him.  I really thought it was done though.  Chapter closed.  So I felt safe still having that feeling.  It didn't matter.  He and I are through, over.  I thought it was okay to still love the first love of my life.

I guess not......

You called me today, and I'm not sure what to do w/that.  I was on the other line, so I couldnt answer......but still, I wondered....why?  Your voice, so sweet.  So nice.  So comforting.  You said, I hope you had a good day.

Ok.

Fuck you.

I can't do this.  I dont' want to do this.

Please...don't.

You had your chance.  And you threw it away.  And now you tell me that you married the wrong one.  What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?  Why are you telling me this?  I've loved you, never ever stopped.  But you threw me away.  Twice.  And I had to stop.  Because I just couldn't do it anymore.

Oh, I am with the wrong one too.  And you know it.  Just like you.  I know you.....and I knew...with every ounce of my being, that you are my one.  If I ended up with you was the question.  But I've always known,that you are my one.  And now, my tears are coming so fast that I can't see the screen.  And I want to tell you to come to me....I need to see you. I need to touch you.  I need to breathe you in.  But I won't.

You actually typed out the words.  I married the wrong one.

I want to throw myself off a bridge.

I want to get in my car and just leave.

I want a smoke...oh for gods sake, I want a smoke.

You and me, are like peas and carrotts.  Ice Cream and chocolate syrup.  What took you so long.

You tell me you've thought about me every day....for the last 12 years....that you tried to find me.

Oh...my heart is breaking.  My hands are shaking, the tears are coming faster now.

It can't be.

I heard our song on the radio today.  And just like everytime, my heart skipped a beat.

Please.

I need you.....finally....it was never really over.....

is that what you need to hear?